Relinquishing control and freeing the soul

23 July 2022

For many people, they grew up worrying about their parent/parents/caregiver. They wanted to make them happy, make them smile, make them stop worrying. Of course, this is by definition, impossible, it is an impossible task for a child to hold this much control and authority over an adult. It is destined to fail. The child is destined to fail repeatedly, because the task is impossible. The only person who could “fix” Mum or Dad, IS Mum or Dad.

Yet, as children, we can’t possibly know this (unless a loving, trusted soul perhaps showed us). Indeed, children by nature tend to be more egocentric, and the idea that everything happening around them is because of them is natural. In some cases parents place very explicit and direct blame and responsibility on their children and tell them it is ALL THEIR FAULT & RESPONSIBILITY, or simply go on and on about how insufferable, wretched or hurtful their child is or has been. For others, the parent constantly relives his or her traumas and fears and pain to the child.

The outcome is often a child who naturally wants to make it all better for their parent. A constant striving, with short-lived successes. High grades, sporting success, perfect grooming or manners. For other children, it will be the suspension of their own life to fix that of their parent’s.  The normal milestones of going out with friends, leaving home, working, going to university – they are all on hold – because they believe Mum or Dad needs them.

But really, these children needed someone to hold them when they cried, and not become hysterically sad or frighteningly mad (at which time the child quickly learns to be quiet). Or were Mum and Dad so distracted, they didn’t even notice you were crying? They needed someone to celebrate their independence and encourage them to meet their potential. They needed someone to relax into so they could be kids.

As adults, these children often carry the scars of perfectionism, guilt, shame and an excessive, sometimes debilitating sense of responsibility for others. If this is you – it is a responsibility you do not have to carry.

As adults, these children often don’t feel good enough. If this is you – remember you were tasked with an impossible task. You were ALWAYS good enough, it had nothing to do with the health, wealth or words of your parents.

We can know our values, live our values, support others and love others – but our influence is limited. And this is a wonderful freeing thing. We can only do SO much. Do what you can and feel good; but know you cannot control another person. You can influence their joy, but you cannot do the inner work for them. You are not responsible for that.

BUT, you are responsible for YOU. You are responsible for living a life you are happy with. You are responsible for your own mental, physical, social, spiritual and financial health. Are you taking responsibility for you? Are you loving you? Or have you lost yourself or your own needs in helping others?

By all means – we must help others. We must be kind. BUT we must also understand and respect the limits of our power; and in doing so we free our souls from guilt and shame that does not belong to us AND we remember US. If YOU don’t look after YOU, there is a big risk that someone else (like your own kid) might end up feeling responsible for you… it becomes a big tricky cycle.

This stuff is really hard. It’s also really, really common. You’ve got this. Reach out if you need.

Justine 🙂

P.S. There is a lot of content here so maybe read it a few times over the next few days!

Action anxiety Boundaries experiment Experiment101 Fear Good enough Growth Ditch Guilt Keep Going Mental health OCD Parenting Perfectionism Reflection Relapse Relationships Resilience Responsibility Saying no self-esteem Shame Small steps