21st August 2022
In all my work with clients, the work on boundaries abounds. My work with children, adolescents, adults, older adults, parents, employees, spouses. You name it – boundaries come up time and time again.
So what are boundaries? Before I attempt to answer that – full disclaimer that this short post will make something quite complex and nuanced sound relatively simple. So don’t be disheartened by how tricky the work might feel – it is hard! Multiple people have written whole books on this stuff!
So here’s my two cents.
Boundaries are what separate us from another person, group or entity. They can be physical, emotional, sexual, financial, time or resource based, and so on. They can be very rigid, or they can be very porous. Essentially, it is about how much of ourselves we share with another. How much of our time, how much of our money, how much of our body, how much of our inner world, and so on. We get to choose. Well, as adults we get to choose. For our children, we equip them as best we can to know and use their boundaries.
Sadly, there will be times when boundaries are violated, through no fault of the person affected.
Boundaries are about saying yes when you want to share with someone; and no when you don’t want to. And having enough insight to know what you really want (sometimes the answer is obvious and sometimes it is not).
People with perhaps overly rigid boundaries might long for closer connections, but are not sure how to get them. Those with overly relaxed boundaries might find themselves saying yes when they mean no and regretting instances where they shared too much of themselves.
Boundaries vary depending on the relationship. Your boundaries with your friend versus your boss. You child versus your partner. The boundary lines should be very different. All relationships have multiple boundaries.
When boundaries are too loose or porous, you can get lost. Their issues become your issues and you don’t like it; their emotional state becomes your emotional state and you don’t like it. Their body attaches to yours and you don’t like it. Examples of more porous boundaries:
- You catch up with your depressed friend and then feel glum and deflated for the next two weeks.
- Suddenly it feels like the livelihood of the entire national business you work for is riding on you finishing this one particular piece of work tonight. So you do an all nighter (again).
- Your distant cousin places their hand on your back and suddenly you feel as though you can’t move away.
But then, when those walls/boundaries are too strong… well, life can get lonely. Opportunities for shared meaning, fun, discovery – can be lost. For example:
- You catch up with your depressed friend and just keep talking about the weather because their feelings are too overwhelming.
- You text your boss at 5pm and say the report is not finished and you will do it tomorrow. You boss tries to discuss it and you say you have personal commitments and hang up.
- Your distant cousin places their hand on your back; you turn around and whack them on the nose before walking off.
Next blog post I will discuss some strategies to help with boundaries – and give examples of boundaries that tend to improve your wellbeing. I think I will title it “Boundaries Part 2: Feeling guilty for saying no. Feeling uncomfortable for saying yes.”
Happy thinking!
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