5th August 2022
Very few things in life are linear. Change and recovery are no exception.
When we are making progress in therapy, in life, in parenting, in addiction, in relationships, in health matters, in work – it can feel really good. It IS really great. However, when the bumps come (and they always do), it can be disheartening.
When you have been on the up and up; and then you “stuff up”, you might start to question if you had ever made any progress at all, you might doubt whether your efforts had been worth it, you might consider giving up all together.
Your effort is always worth it. Nothing and no-one can take away those days when it was going better. Those good days or even moments happened. They were real. Just because you then later had a big oopsie it doesn’t have the power to erase time. The fact you saw progress is a win. The fact you are having a dip is also a win, because it means you are getting further into the depths of change. The hard days mean you have had enough better ones to notice the slip. It also gives you a cunning advantage – if you let it.
Major oopsies happens. However, if you can muster the strength to pull out your curiosity card – then you have very fruitful grounds to learn even more about the problem. What was happening in your body, your mind, your environment, your relationships – before, during and after the big oopsie? What old pattern or story did you latch onto during the big oopsie? When you are faced with that triggering situation again, what will you try instead?
Now to bring out curiosity you need to be able to see oopsies for what they are. You can call them slips or dips or in some cases relapses. I like to think of them as growth ditches – from this ditch you shall grow.
If you see an oopsie as a slip down into quick sand with no coming back; then we have a problem. ‘Cos then you will probably stay in the quick sand for a long time, and by the time you figure out you have to float and somehow manage to get out; well then you probably will have to kind of start closer to the beginning again (you will have lost so much time and also felt extra glum for longer than you wanted to). That said, this is the kind of quick sand you CAN always get out of (because we made it up for this metaphor).
To reiterate, if you call oopsies for what they are – growth ditches – then you get curious, and you get back on your horse (or unicorn) and you keep going.
You are not a stuff up; it’s just that stuff ups are an inevitable part of meaningful change and recovery.
This post also calls you to not undermine or dismiss the positives you have generated in your life. Maybe there are still a lot of bits in your life you are working on – that’s okay. Keep working on them; but give yourself credit for the bits you have done. You are human, you are flawed (thank goodness because perfect is just way too much pressure) and hooray for growth ditches.
Take care,
Justine.
P.S. No sunbaking in the growth ditch. Find your horse.
Action anxiety Boundaries experiment Experiment101 Fear Good enough Growth Ditch Guilt Keep Going Mental health OCD Parenting Perfectionism Reflection Relapse Relationships Resilience Responsibility Saying no self-esteem Shame Small steps
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