I often talk about the space between an event and a person’s reaction. I imagine a crowbar gradually extending it. The space of course, is self awareness. It is the space created when we realise we are stuck in an old pattern, when we realise the intensity of our physiological and psychological response is due to far greater than the thing we see before us.
When your partner suggests you have forgotten something important, and yet you feel as though you always give give give, and so you react with hostility. When your child asks for “one more thing” and your greatest trigger is feeling unappreciated, so you shut them down.
This space, sometimes referred to as a “choice point” in ACT; gives us freedom. When pried open wide enough and for long enough; we get to decide. We get to respond with something appropriate to the here and now. We have space for empathy towards ourself and empathy towards others. We have space to rock and soothe the deep rivers of pain that rose up from a seemingly simple event. And then we hold them. And then we choose how to respond and choose with love and logic.
You may not know what themes of things trigger you to emotional intensity. If you don’t know WHAT or WHY certain things push your buttons, sometimes you can figure that out in the space itself. The intensity of the feeling or anticipated reaction is a red flag to pause and take space. Sometimes you need to talk it out with another person. Or think it through over time. Keep a log of these triggering situations. What IS similar about them?
The space is where a face of rage can fall into a sea of tears. The space allows for change.
Work to find the space. It might start with a split second “I know how I’m going to react now” and then grow to “I know if I don’t breath and take space here I will do something I don’t want to.” And gradually, gradually with many practices it may sound like “This is about me and not them. Things are different now. I am loved and I have choice. Let me choose my next steps.” We reduce the automaticity of our problematic behaviour.
And now I hope, the crowbar is wedged in, ready to be pried open for the first time; or if you already working in the space, may it continue to flourish, as you learn about yourself and create the life and love you deserve.